I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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