I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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