Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
