If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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