Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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