Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Randomize
