im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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