I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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