Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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