An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I AM VODKA MAN
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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