I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
