i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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