Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
