Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
