She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
