At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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