i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
