What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
