I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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