piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
