dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
