She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
