He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize