I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
