So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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