Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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