My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
