I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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