Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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