I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
