Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
