Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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