Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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