If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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