Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
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