phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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