I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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