so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She tied me up with her honor cords...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
