My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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