There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
