Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
