just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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