i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
