Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
