so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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