first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
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