Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
