Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
