Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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