I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize