went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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