Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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