I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
