So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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