The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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