Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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