I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
