i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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