I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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