my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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