He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
