I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
