You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
