every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
